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(7 April 2010)
New rules announced earlier this week will allow MLS clubs two Designated Player spots—with the ability to acquire a third—in a bid to help cash-stricken, small-market clubs win more games and be serious contenders on a regular basis.
"The option to sign additional DPs can only benefit MLS," said a league spokesman. "With the addition of an extra DP, 'Super Clubs' like the Los Angeles Galaxy, Red Bull New York and San Jo Seriously? San Jose? Okay, and San Jose will be able to give their fans the star power they've been hungry for since the league's inception back in 1996, by signing players whom one could only describe as being the world's best at the time of the league's inception back in 1996."
The change in rules is meant to primarily benefit clubs that can'twon't afford even a single DP. "Past history shows us that signing DPs is proven to help rich, big market clubs lose games," said American soccer analyst Les Moore, "thereby helping small market clubs like New England or RSL win games. I mean, when was the last time RSL won a game?"
Fans, too, were delighted by the news. "With three Denilsons, FC Dallas's attendance woes will be a thing of the past!" said the one FC Dallas fan who wasn't the one FC Dallas fan who declined comment. "But yeah, we'll still suck. *sigh* You know, if we ever win that cannon, I'll probably wind up blowing my head off with it. Most of the fans we have left probably feel the same way. Slow death by heavy metal poisoning is so... so... Huh? Who said anything about Pizza Hut?"
"It's good for other teams, too," he added. "Red Bull New York can sign Ronaldinho or someone like that. Philadelphia can sign someone like Randy Couture, who probably strengthens their current tacti yeah, but Philly aren't exactly playing soccer, either, now are they?"
"DPs do more than fuck up team chemistry," said Chelsea Niebelungenlied, who is twelve. "They also give people who know nothing about soccer but sometimes hear references to celebrity players on BBC America a reason to come watch a game they know nothing about. And once you've got the attention and support of people who don't really know much of anything about anything, but like to watch TV, why, then you have the politicians and a stadium deal can't be far behind." Remember, she is twelve.
"The Houston Dynamo have already tried something similar," said Houston-based financial analyst Vic Lin. "When they failed to convince local politicians a soccer specific stadium would help local businesses, like restaurants, they used the designated player rule to sign Luis Ángel Landín, who helped local restaurants, and when the local restaurants ran out of beef, helped local cattle auctions, and when they ran out of beef... well, that giant asbestos donut was a health hazard, so the city of Houston should probably thank him for that, too."
Will more DPs like Blanco (L) and Landín (R) help MLS draw Cartoon Network viewers?
(Is there anything else to watch on Saturdays?)
But DPs aren't all fun and Kournikovicated rosters. "They perpetuate all sorts of harmful stereotypes," said anti-defamation lobbyist Mick Reyes. "Claudio Reyna, for example, perpetuates the stereotype that old people aren't good at things. Julian de Guzmán perpetuates the harmful stereotype that Mo Johnston is a poor judge of talent. And Blanco perpetuates the harmful stereotype that all Mexicans are neckless, big-mouthed, froggy-looking smelly cheaters who hate their own fans. And obviously that's not true, since Rafa Márquez is a gutless, bigmouthed smelly cheater who looks like Lorenzo Lamas. Do you think Lorenzo Lamas looks likes a frog? Why, you might as well call Thierry Henry a frog!"
DPs who—despite their DP salaries—moonlight as underwear models have also drawn criticism.
"Freddie Ljunberg perpetuates the harmful stereotype that all Swedes are sexy," said Sofia Erikson, chairman of the Swedish anti-objectification and -defamation organization Humans Oughtn't Think All Swedes Sexy. "Have you seen Carl XVI Gustaf? Not all of us make the National Bikini Team. Yeah. Yeah, it's a real thing. Okay, okay, so you have a point there, but we're the ones who award the Nobel Prizes! Serious science! Things like studying suicide rates in women with breast implants, and epilepsy rates in women with breast implants, and testicular cancer rates in women with breast implants. Come on!"
David Beckham, another underwear model who sometimes plays soccer, has in the past been accused of perpetuating the harmful stereotype that underwear models never have anything intelligent to say.
"Here, hold this," really ought to count. At least for Adriana Lima.
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