(Undisclosed / June 10, 2009) Former Vice President Dick Cheney has joined the Committee to lure the world's greatest sporting spectacle to the United States.
From an undisclosed location, Cheney said, "I can neither confirm nor deny that I have joined the Committee to lure the world's greatest sporting spectacle to the United States."
His daughter, Liz Cheney, was less tight-lipped. "He's fully on board. No, Blackwater—I mean "XE"—has not officially been announced as FIFA Corporate Security Contractors. Yet."
A close aide told FOUL that Cheney was keen to test the principle of pre-emptive enhanced interrogation technique, and that the World Cup, with its massive security concerns and plentitude of dark-skinned foreigners created an opportunity that shouldn't be missed.
Liz Cheney said, "We proved that torture works by keeping the nation safe for 8 years, with only one notable exception. Plus we were able to justify a war against a foreign nation with evidence obtained by enhanced interrogation techniques, like non-stop looped videos of Abby Okulaja's greatest games. If Amnesty International has a problem with that, they can lick my balls. I mean, my dad's balls. Eeww, my dad has balls."
The United States Soccer Federation was elated. They said, in a statement, that, "With noted war criminals Henry Kissinger and Dick Cheney arguing our case, FIFA Executive Committee members should feel right at home."
With war crimes arrest warrants out for Kissinger and Cheney it was unclear who would actually be able to travel to Switzerland. Liz Cheney mused, "George W. Bush was dad's mouthpiece for 8 years. I don't see why we can't make him do it."
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