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1 April 2010... which is every day for us
The DC United's GM Kevin Payne today announced a new strategic partnership with Hakoah Vienna.
"This is a perfect fit for us. Like [the] United, Hakoah has always symbolized Tradition®. And like Hakoah, our best days are ancient, mostly euhemerized history."
"We believe there is synergy between our team and Hakoah" added Payneberg.
"Their players moved en masse to a new country to escape anti-semitism. And I hear Baltimore is just lovely in the summer."
"And for DC, this is yet another strike against Nazism, which began with the 1996 draft of Jeff Agoos and continued in 1998 with the rebranding of United's logo from from a Nazi-inspired eagle to an IROC-Z-inspired eagle."
An unidentified source, who would only agree to an interview upon the promise of anonymity, was hopeful that Jeff Agoosberg would soon be hired from another Austrian-owned team in New York to head up Hakoah's youth program. "We feel that Jeff has developed good ties with Hakoah Brooklyn, and will be able to woo the young talent to Hakoah Baltimore".
MLS Commissioner Don Garberg only shook his head morosely when reached for comment on DC's latest doomed effort to tap into the capital's large urban youth demographic. "Forging strategic partnerships to bring the DC United brand in step with ghetto culture is one thing," explained an aide, "but bringing it in step with ghetto culture is another. Why, it's almost as misguided as playing Freddy Adu on the wing. Or playing Freddy Adu at all, come to think of it."
David "Ben-David" Brauzer, DC United's equipment manager, said Jewish fans would have the option of buying official jersey replicas without the championship-commemorating "stelle" sewn on. "We may play in a dilapidated baseball stadium," Brauzer told FOUL, "but we ain't that ghetto."
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