(June 12, 2009) Voters' rights groups are crying foul over Diebold's (Ticker: DBD) handling of votes for the 2009 MLS All-Star Game.
FOUL's investigative team has learned that multiple mysterious discrepancies have been found. For instance, Seattle's Fredy Montero is the leading vote-getter among forwards despite having only four goals and Toronto's Amado Guevara is the leading vote-getter among midfielders despite being a total douchebag.
In addition, David Beckham, who hasn't played one minute in MLS this season, trails only Drew Carey and Bitchy The Hawk for a spot in midfield.
According to recently acquired internal memos, Diebold has close ties to Sounders minority owner Drew Carey, having been the Official Points Tabulators for "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" and Official Bid Assessor for "The Price Is Right"—the latter after Diebold contacted the show's producers to determine whether or not the slogan "Anyone can win, if the price is right!" was under trademark.
Voters' rights groups claim that it is inconceivable that Seattle's middling-to-average team could legitimately lead voting at every position, and that voting fraud was the only plausible explanation. Diebold is no stranger to voting fraud accusations, having effectively handed Ohio to George W. Bush in 2004 and Freddy Adu to the 2005 MLS East All-Stars.
Perennial presidential candidate Ralph Nader said, "The whole thing is a sham. It starts with the coaches, who are appointed, not elected. Like George W. Bush. Then you've got the commissioner's picks. What little input fans have is then tainted by voting irregularities that would make Kim Jong Il blush. If you strip away all the homerism, you are left with the undeniable reality that Brad Evans just isn't that good."
FOUL is currently examining past All-Star voting for irregularities, after voters' rights groups pointed to the mysterious inclusion on past teams of Lothar Mattheus, Luis Hernandez and Teodoro Obiang Nguema Mbasogo. [In the case of Mbasogo, he was up against Tab Ramos, so we'll let that one slide. –eds.]
|
