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(12 July, 2010)
A victorious North Korean side returned home today, scant hours after besting European champions and until-recently-facist state Spain in the World Cup final, thereby winning the World Cup final, thereby winning the World Cup, and were met with parades, feasts, television interviews on fluffy AM propagandanews shows, and hot bitches—"bitches so hot they're hot and hot," in the sacred words of glorious celebrated ruler and leader of the free world Kim Jong-Il [i.e., they're both sexually attractive and suffering from influenza–eds.].
North Korea, known to its loyal fans by the nickname "The Best Team," first beat perennial powerhouse Brazil 2-1, before demolishing Portugal 7-0. "They collapsed like a sub-DMZ tunnel to Seoul," said one South Korean actor hired to portray a North Korean fan, before handing FOUL his "headshot", which "means something different in North Korea." After dispatching "the Elephants" (i.e., Côte d'Ivoire) at their homefield, White Elephant Stadium, in Nelspruit, The Best Team proceeded to defeat Japan, South Korea, the United States, injustice, imperialism, and wrong thought on their way to the final, where they beat Spain 55-0. Initial fears that The Best Team would be reprimanded for failing to score more than 60 goals in the final were put to rest when glorious celebrated ruler and leader of the free world Kim Jong-Il offered all members of the team—even An Yong-Hak, who plays club football for Imperialist dogs Omiya Ardija in (grrrrrr!) Japan—were to be publicly commended and perhaps even fed.
Japanese-born striker Jong Tae-Sem, who currently plays for German side VfL Bochum, was singled out by glorious celebrated ruler and leader of the free world Kim Jong-Il for praise: "Jong Tae-Sem was particularly excellent. He personally scored 264+5 goals against Japan. I hereby decree that he henceforth no longer bear the abhorrent appellate 'The People's Rooney'. He no longer warrants such ridicule."
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